Just For Fun

[Slofuze]

How about a new thread???? The KR "family" I've either gotten to know in person or on site all seem to have a good sense of humour. Laughter is a proven health benefit, and reading the HO posts over a morning coffee or late evening "whatever", has me laughing.
I always appreciate a good laugh when a picture or e-mail that I got to see/read put a smile on my face. There's only one rule, and that's that it has to be SFW........
This one is dedicated to Andy...... family will understand

Italian Verginity Test

Andreo is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says ... "Andreo , all the Italian men I know use three things for what we calla Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~a small can of Red paint,a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Andreo asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

..........you hit her with the Shovel.

[92xjunker]

Got one for you, funny shit...https://www.youtube.com/embed/zqIEZCRjR_A?rel=0

[superbike]

Couple of good ones...

[daddijuggalo]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend."

[Slofuze]

That's what I'm talking about....

[shpielers]

Nice! Ya'll are cracking me up

[expvet]

The village idiot goes to a cathouse and says to the madam "I want to try something really different, something freaky." The madam calls to one of her girls and says "Take him upstairs and give him a 69." They go up and she gets him in position, in the middle of the action she accidently lets go a ripping fart. "Whoa, whoa, stop, let me outa here!" he yells out. "Whats the big deal, it's just a fart?" she says. "Yeah, but I ain't gonna put up with 68 more of those!"

[superbike]

Freaky, yes. Worse than waterboarding, maybe. Funny stuff, carry on.

[Slofuze]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[zuma]

Then did you hear about the newly married farmer who just couldn't keep his hands off his bride?

He finally had to fire them.

[johnnyg]

What are the two sexiest farm animals?

Brown chicken brown cow!

[BIG-KO]

The electric fence & lawn mower...

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but . . .If you don't laugh hysterically at this, ...CHECK YOUR PULSE... this
is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.





We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 2 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine...

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses...

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let it die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire..... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:





1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long...
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[zuma]

Now that's a story right there. I can't match it, but I will say that I worked fiberglass insulation into our attic last spring without a shirt. Now I register around R32 and have not worn a coat the entire winter. It's not worth the itch and scratch sessions I went through though, so don't attempt it.

[rexazz2]

My buddy says "him and his wife are into S&M"
She sleeps and he masterbates

[edromero]

Not a joke but true story: when I need to tell my wife that I'm due for spousal attention, I ask her if I can "make an appointment with her". When I asked her today if I could make an appointment she said yes. Then I said "do you have any Openings available tonight?"

I thought it was a lot funnier than she did