Haynes Manual Translations

[Topper5791]

I don't know if any of you guys / gals have seen this before and sorry if it's been posted before, but I thought i'd give you a giggle!!

The Essential Haynes Manual Translations

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
pliers to dig out the base...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing...

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground.

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your partner, "Yep,
as I thought, it's f**ked!"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
to do!


I nearly wet myself the first time I read it, coz it's all true!!!!!

[overboost07]

[HS2020]

Been there done that on everything. The cussing part is what I do most of when working on my on bike or things.

[professa_riddler]

Sounds like my life story. Great stuff.

[cybrnathan]

Too True!!

[DreKat]

[Black_peter]

I once read in a Haynes manual:
"an experienced mechanic goes years without hurting themselves."

I promptly threw that book away..

[daslex]

My experience with a Haynes manual.

Haynes instruction - Withdraw the rear axle.

Reality - Wack it so hard with a hammer you nearly knock the bike off the centre stand.

[Islandsteve]

Lolololololol!!!!1

I have a Clymer

[spatula6554]

[Fullmetal]

Funny cause it's true.

[jetmerritt]

I once read in a Haynes manual:
"an experienced mechanic goes years without hurting themselves."

10+ years in automotive repair, I could never go more than a month without bleeding

How much experience do I need to quit hurting myself?

That's like saying an experienced welder never burns himself...

LIES!, But the haynes translations are very true!

Jet

Come to think of it, I once stabbed a guy in the face with a flat screwdriver, maybe that's what the above statement means ~ an experienced mechanic hurts others...

[loudnlow7484]

I once read in a Haynes manual:
"an experienced mechanic goes years without hurting themselves."

I promptly threw that book away..

I guess I've never been an experienced mechanic...... I hurt myself significantly less when I started wearing gloves (when possible, and even though my shop mates found them hilarious).... but there never went a 2 week span when I didn't cut myself, bash my knuckles, or touch a part too recently heated by the torch....

I've got to meet these Haynes mechanics. They must be f'n wizards!

[WildSide]

These are my fav. ones!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your partner, "Yep,
as I thought, it's f**ked!"

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

And as much as I don't like to say this, I'v done this
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.